Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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