He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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