just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
