Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
