I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
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