i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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