i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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