so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
