I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
