I wish my penis had an off switch
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
