There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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