If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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