Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We were destined to go to rehab together
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
