The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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