yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Randomize
