We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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