Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
