i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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