I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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