I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
