apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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