U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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