sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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