I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
