she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
