My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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