community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
accomplished twins. life is a go
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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