see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
