I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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