do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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