I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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