Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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