a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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