someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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