I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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