Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
