apparently the secret to your success is patron
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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