I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
