So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
