I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
