I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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