I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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