It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
