he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
