Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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