Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
