alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
