my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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