I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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