I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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