I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
