Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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