I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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