The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
