i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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