you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
