3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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